Allow Me To Rant

"What went wrong with myself?" I thought.
I know I had depression, I solved it by reading books.
I know I have anxiety, I reduced it by taking supplements and practicing mindfulness.
I know I had memory problems, I tried to improve it through mind games, as well as supplements also.
I put all my time into sleep, work and eat.
I even stopped playing games for that matter.
I became sociable and more outgoing.

But of all these, nothing seems to have helped me in my thinking process or helped me gain any improvements in personal development. What happened? Brain dead? Am I thinking way too much as usual? Or is this some fate I have to believe?

I have to rant, thanks to all the trigger from the results of my mid-terms.
3 tests, 2 of it are are 25th percentile.
I shouldn't need to care.
But the hope for an A, for every semester is really mind draining at times.
This is the result of a psychological episode. All those stupid thoughts just come back.

Got back the CS2107 mid-term quiz paper today, and I got 18/30. Everyone else in my tutorial group got more than 20 and even near full marks. What's better is that the average and median is more than 25. Ha-Ha-Ha, what a joke and embarrassment of myself.

The first question when I looked it and immediately thought 'WHY THE F*** AM I MAKING THIS STUPID MISTAKE AGAIN?!' well yea, the mistake of not seeing the question properly/carefully, and basically answering the 'wrong question' of sort.

3 weeks left. Many projects to settle, many coding to complete, many shitload of crap to tackle. Wish I could just run away from it but I've had enough of that. Facing it is not helping either actually.

My only wish is I could get rid of this 'A' grade hope and I have been trying since Year 1 Semester 2. Seems like it's still stuck in me. Time I hope will get rid of it. Or else I will broke down mentally and maybe it's depression all over again.

Thank you blog.