Fly away with time, for it's not infinite but limited

Again and again I am complaining about this -> "time flies", it literally does. Ever since I disrupted from National Service, I felt that everything seems invalid and has no value. That value of new objects which exists in our hands seems to fade away in a day compared to the past where such value fades in a week.

I don't know what's going on. My first Final Examination module starts this Friday and it's gonna be hell, literally burning hot. That sensation of blanking out is so strong and the amount of knowledge and understanding acquired seems insufficient for the examinations.

Unlike before during my Polytechnic years, I complained a lot on my archived blog but with that I still managed to get the results I wanted. Not this time it seems, it doesn't seem to work that way anymore. My brain has literally shut down, neither alive nor vibrant.

Having disorders seems to describe me at best. Attention Deficit Disorder is one of it as to the symptoms I possess seems to match the description. It took me a fine 1 week to actually finish off the revision of one module, how is this possible?! My mind shifts so quickly that I am not even sure I have absorbed anything at all while doing the task of revision.

Negativity just plagues me, to the point even if I seek professional help it might not work at all. Well, I guess I am prepared to retake one of my core modules. Most of my friends didn't believed me but it seems that it is that way with the current results that I am getting. I don't see much hope for this module's examination as there's just way too much to keep up and understand which there's just "not enough time" for that? Coupled with my rapid shifting brain, I guess it just won't work out.

What is my ideal life? I always thought I was some computer guy or geek or nerd, but it seems that such interest which I have cultured since the age of 3 or 4 starts fading away, quickly too. I've chosen this path of computer due to interest but I think I not even sure what I am actually good at, at all. I envy those who have found the path which they can really put their heart and soul into as I think I still have a long way to go.

Maybe I'll just import and sell goods to earn some small and quick income for living.

All in Vain

Alright, that was merely some HTML5 play-around. But that mood meter actually reflects what I am feeling as of today.

Of course, I am known to be always negative but I do have my positive moods at times. It's just really short lived most of the time.

3 weeks more to Semester 1 examinations. Nothing scares me more than having no knowledge or ideas and understandings during examinations.

Sure, modules like Mathematics shouldn't be much of an issue for me but what about the rest? 4 of which, 2 are MCQ based (Biology and Introduction to Japanese Studies) , one essay (Government and Politics of Singapore) and another purely theory and logic (Data Structures and Algorithms) , with applications from understanding of the theories.

MCQs may sound easy but I have neither faith nor confidence in being able to actually answer the questions that are gonna be given. Sure, we have reading weeks and it ought to help to keep up. But I realised that University is really all about critical thinking skills and also problem solving based. All which I don't feel that I am tuned to do so.

Best example is during my group meetings for Introduction to Japanese Studies project essay assignment. Being an introvert, groupworks are ALWAYS tough for me. I can't really speak up, I can only listen and absorb. Once I do that, it feels like I am not contributing and also it may generate gossips throughout like I am not doing anything. Seriously, what am I supposed to do about that?

Data Structures and Algorithms, all about programming and problem solving. Critical thinking is really a necessity here. Coding wise I have no problem with implementing but problem solving? Bad idea... Algorithms really sucks.

Today is the Practical Exam and I have been doing the practices since last Monday. Even though I managed to complete them but it doesn't seem like I am even prepared for it. Like I said it's that thinking skill that matters which I lack thereof...

And obviously for essay writings, one really needs to read and gather all the available knowledge and information for a specific topic. Reading, a word that I was never used to since my secondary school days.

University have really made me uncover my true, real self. What I am good at and what I am not, all of which are revealed in this 3 months.

Sometimes I am not sure how I should even continue with this and really I have actually hoped that I did not even achieved good grades during my Polytechnic years.

I am unable to even achieve neither academically nor human relations here. Seeking help and assistance are last of my resort, where I don't feel like anyone's willing to help at all (an introvert style of thinking once again). All I could do is self-contain, put myself into self-thoughts. Basically it's just self-centered. I don't know what to do, don't know how and what to achieve here. Seems like I am just wasting time.

Withdrawing from University may probably be the next step as I really don't think that it is for me, at all.