Yet another week down

Week 3 was rather tough.

A little fatigue started kicking in but I managed to counter it.
My thoughts went wild once again and had half-success in stopping it.

The things I see everyday plagues my mind.
The main reason being that I see everyone heads down on their phone every time.
Also I see people unable to pay attention to their food they eat.
They had to simultaneously eat and reply messages at the same time.
All the taste is lost, don't you think?

Today is Friday. After classes, I went down to Plaza Singapura to catch Lucy by myself.
I've heard negative comments about this movie.
However, it doesn't stop me from watching it.

Well, one reason being that Scarlett Johansson is the lead.
She's my favourite actress this time around.
After reading some of her interview questions on IMDB, I concluded that she's a strong willed person.
She is someone who I am envious of.

Secondly, the movie is about cerebral stuff and that means BIOLOGY!
Man, my interest is biology is so great! And the starting scene showed MITOSIS!
100% Cerebral function - that has got to do with evolution.

These two reasons are enough for me to catch the movie no matter what comments I've heard.

Sure enough, I've enjoyed it. Thanks to Luc Besson!
Oh, there was another scene where Lucy (Scarlett Johansson) was rewinding and fast forwarding time!
I knew that 100% has to do with our cells BENDING TIME!
Love those Physics theories applied in this film.

After watching Lucy, I headed to times bookstore and read this book titled "Mindfulness on the Go".

It really expanded my views.
With it, I finally understood our parents' traditional views on table etiquette.
With it, I also finally understood Nike's slogan "Just Do It".

Finally, this is one achievement that I've LONGED to attain.
Communicating with girls.
In just 2 days, I was able to speak with girls without a problem.
It happened so naturally, like a simple every day task.
I really don't know how I managed it but it just happened.
Partly have to thank the group work which some modules gave us.
And also my courage to speak up when a girl sat beside me.

During the last 2 semesters, I always had the fear of speaking the first word to a girl.
Now that I know I am capable, I have to stay this way.

So, zenhabits was all about mindfulness. I have to keep practicing it.

Breathe.

Yes, that one word is everything to mindfulness.
This moment, now, is everything.

Assignments

 

That's right, I did all my tutorials ahead of time.
It is a long lost achievement.

I hope I can continue tackling the fear of not-knowing-how-to-do.

Week 3

Week 1 and 2 was the administration and input week.
Starting tomorrow, comes the classes for outputs which are Tutorials and Labs.

Is it fast? Yeah, it's doubtlessly true.
I have a theory on this:
I watched one of the Vsauce video.
It is said that the more people there is in the center of Earth, the faster the Earth spins.

So if that is true, the higher the total population on Earth, wouldn't it meant that Earth spins faster too and thus time will fly?
Of course, the thing is we have no idea how many people will there be in the center of Earth.
But the larger the population, the higher the chance. At least that's what I am thinking.

Don't mind my random blabbering.
I just love to piece things together to form a new reason.

Well, at least I am quite sure I have lived these 14 days of moment.
With thanks to my new positivity and my willingness.
I really see things with a different light this time.
Of course I hope it will and WILL stay this way till the end of the semester.

So, tutorials and labs.
Somehow I am subconsciously filling random expectations of what I have to do during these classes.
I shouldn't and really have to stop, because like I said before, it messes with the mind with unnecessary fear.
This will cause fight or flight response to be generated and having such choice in the mental can wear one out.

Remove all expectations, live in the moment.

The Change

After my disruption from National Service, I had only a week to prepare before my very first semester of NUS starts.

Back then there was a whole lot of fear piled on me.
I did not know why but as confused as I was, I knew it had to be National Service.
At first, those fear made me reluctant to head to school most of the time.

• I couldn't bring myself to sleep early.
(Fear of tomorrow)
• I couldn't bring myself to prepare and read for lectures before the day.
(Fear of not able to understand)
• I couldn't face people.
(Fear of judgement and fear of tarnishing self-esteem)

I could only go with the flow.

As a result, my grades for first semester was atrocious.

And so for the second semester, I lightened my load, in which I only took 4 modules.
Hopefully to give myself time to think and find a way out of those fears, whilst tackling school assignments.

It helped to a certain extent indeed, although I was still fighting the fatigue I had.
The end result? My grades slightly improved.

Then came the long 3 months vacation.
I wanted to find a part time job, but that certain fear still exists in me and I couldn't, again, bring myself to look for it.

Although I found many, most required a 'resume' which I had no idea how to write.
So, I turned away from the issue and led my life as it is.
Even though if I were to start learning how to write it, I would still have the fear of not knowing what to present in it.

After my Taiwan trip, I figured I still had to find a part time job but still couldn't do so...
I gave up.

Instead, I use the remaining 2 months of time to read up on Lifehacks and tinybuddha. I also seek for ways to improve myself biologically.

I researched on nutrients and actually realised that I don't quite eat food or meat that frequent, leading to many issues with my body that I had, and fatigue being one of it.

I started off with my problem of eating.
I wondered why I did not eat much and always at loss of appetite.
Bought Betaine HCL from iHerb.
It helped slightly. I felt better eating and releasing my bladder was smoother.

Then I researched further.
Vitamins B6, B12, Omega 3, Tyrosine, 5-HTP and many others.
Bought them on iHerb too.

Every morning I would take these supplements.
Together with the reading of wisdom articles, I am glad the change is here.

I feel a lot more positive:
• Sleeping early became an easy task.
• Focusing on long (>4 hours) back-to-back lectures became an easy task.
• Distractions became less existence.
• Lesser use of social networks - but even if I do, positive statuses are more prominent now.
• Facing problems seemed easier.
• Bad breath is gone! Where previously drinking water literally worsens my breath.
• Communicating with people seems fun.
• Less multi-tasking. Shifting focus here and there really tires one out.

There's more and this huge list feels so much like an achievement. Feels like a long lost attitude too.

Gonna continue this way and I really want it to turn out good after practicing it long term.

Keep life simple, keep focus!

Social Network(s) and Attraction

It used to be fun, the days of MSN Messenger and Friendster.
Where communicating easily was meant to be used on a computer.
Not so much expecting and the needs to reply instantly is there?

Those were when people, especially girls, aren't as egoistic as today.
Let me list a few of the social networks that are available now:

• Facebook
• Twitter
• Instagram
• Skout
• Badoo
• MeowChat
• Okcupid
• BeeTalk
• Tagged

and many more...
Some 'play' app where you like or dislike a 'photo':

• Paktor
• Tinder
• BeeTalk

From my understanding of psychology and female's needs, all these networks and apps are social busters. ( And the companies generate revenue endlessly. )

Seeing how most of them 'advertise' their Instagram accounts everywhere but end up setting private. How contradicting.

They constantly post photos, 'demanding' likes, yes just likes.. to make themselves feel good.
They reject people/guys who they think aren't worthy based on a photo.
Their needs and expectations increase to a point of ego.
They create billions of layers of walls within their heart.
They get bored REALLY easily.

The males will make use of those to 'hunt'.

While commuting, take a look around you.
Count the number of male and female on the cabin of the train or the carriage of the bus you are in, who are looking down at their mobile/portable device.

Tell me, are there at least 90% and most of them are female?
I am quite sure because that's how I have been observing almost every single days.
Honestly, even the number of guys are increasing.
Plus even older people have 'participated' in this act.

If the feeling of attraction is infused from eye contact between opposite genders, how then will there be attraction when they just keep looking at their mobile/portable devices?
So instead, people make use of apps to 'fill in the lost attraction' all to the point of finding out creeps, stalkers and losers.
Being genuine, the minority, doesn't stand a chance.

Sure, we live in a world of filling needs by ourselves, with thanks to technology, but I feel it is becoming robotic and emotionless.

It became a habit and people will not erase a habit that easily.
Also, it isn't surprising how developed countries have low birthrates, all stemming from these nonsense, that contributes to one of the factor.

If epigenetic is true, such habit will be passed down to the later generation and there we will see an even worse group of people.
Or maybe not, since I will then be too old to care or actually gone from the later biological junkyard.

Then again, all these stems from personal expectation of someone.
Which leads to a whole lot of disappointments and they get annoyed.

Frankly, all these platforms have became a kind of social experiment for me.
Experiencing, being critical and then analysing the outcome. Yup it definitely is.

Yep, continuing all these mindless chasing on our mobile devices will most likely lead to an abhorrent effect.

EDIT: I've just read an article from TIME.
Shirley Zussman said on the evils of cell phones:

I’m shocked at the lack of connection between people because of iPhones. There is so much less of actual physical connection. There’s less touching, there’s less talking, there’s less holding, there’s less looking. People get pleasure from looking at each other. From a smile, and touching. We need touching to make us feel wanted and loved. That’s lacking so much in this generation. Lack of looking, lack of touching, lack of smiling. I don’t get it. I don’t get how people aren’t missing that, and don’t seem to think they are.

Those are words from a 100 year old.
Goodness, I am 23 and I freaking know that already!

Expectations

Long before I have always heard of 'The more you expect, the more you will be disappointed'.

I thought of the how but couldn't quite get the process of it.

Now, I finally understood.

Life Hack didn't quite explain it after publishing so many articles.
No offense but most of those articles/links felt like revenue generator.
However, they are a good read.
Helps to a certain extent.

With zenhabits' article titled How to Master the Art of Living, the author gave a straightforward example.
It opened my mind.

Living in the moment, thinking neither about past or present nor how difficult a task may get became a whole lot easier.

My experience so far, after the start of this semester, had been positive.
Wearing a smile became a simple task, and my consciousness actually shifted back to myself.
There is a lot less fear of 'how would others think of me?'.

Of course, there are still other flaws which I have to tackle, especially my anxiety issue.
I still get nervous easily and I am afraid this would cause negativity all over again.

Nevertheless, stop expecting and start living!

Day of Math

Wednesday is probably the simplest day of my week.

1 hour of CS2100 and 2 hours of MA1521 lecture starting next week.
But for today, it's just the 2 hours of MA1521.

Today we learnt about Squeeze Theorem and IVT.
It's again, new methods to solve different types of question.

Maths has always been identify and apply for me.
Unless it's a proving question.

After lecture, I recapped with my friends on the first chapter, including Tutorial 1.
Sometimes, assisting friends really make my day.
It makes me feel special, needed in a way.

Such feeling would probably be enhanced if it's a girl who is asking for my help.
Of course, action of bias aside, this is just bodily chemistry at work.

Mentioning about girls, I just don't know what's wrong with my fate of relation with them.
I can't seem to break through their 'pass' condition, despite the numerous tries to make a simple contact of saying 'hi'. Oh I meant on social networks.

I feel strange, as if I looked intimidating to them. Do I look intimidating in the first place? Friends told me no, but I am still unsure. Well, everyone has only their face being the only 'value' on the Internet. It's not like our faces have thoughts written on it.

I haven't had a new girl-friend since my polytechnic years. I think I've mentioned this before somewhere, but it's always great to state it again.
I just feel imbalanced, knowing that my social circle contains 90% of guy friends.
Not that there's any wrong with that but I guess it's one of my goal to balance it out.

I should just live without goals, making life minimal.
Thoughts are just passer-by, they shouldn't exist.
Thoughts are the main problem which triggers most of our fight or flight response.

On a side story regarding my time table update,
I have finally been allocated all the slots, not really something I want but it'll do.
What's better is the news from my MA1521 lecturer saying that we are allowed to join any tutorial group there is, just making sure that attendance is marked.
Which means I can join my friends instead of rushing back and forth in venue on Tuesday.

Such Luck

It was our tutorial balloting results.

Out of 5 modules, I've only been allocated into the slots I want for CS2100.
The rest didn't stand a chance and now my time table is totally messed up.

I have only 2 choices now; take classes which eats up my free day that is on Thursday or take one of the slot which is earlier in the morning.
I should convince myself to take one of the earlier day slot for the sake of the free day.

In any case, I think I am now way more lonelier than previous 2 semesters.

Neither in CS2100 Lecture nor tutorial and lab do I have any friends with me.
No accompany in CS2105 and MA1521.
Meanwhile I am all alone too in ES1102 and GE2228.

GREAT! Now where in the heck can I find more friends?
It seems like what I wish to do, the amount of force pulling me away is extreme.

Not sure I understand how the world works.

Never mind, let me be mindful and live in the moment.
Planning all these time table and the stress over it is really unnecessary.

Only by living in the moment, forgetting about the past and future, can one then feel what is present all about.

Start of a New Semester

It was the start of a new semester, on the 11th of August.

One thing for sure, I was rather excited, unlike the last 2 semesters.
I was able to wake up really early on that day, without the need of alarm. When such action happens, it usually means 'ready to tackle'!

Think about it; if someone, like me previously, whom always think about running away from lectures, friends, relations and exams but is forced to be, would really wear him/her out. Once worn, the 'readiness' is then diminished and all the negativity and unwillingness kicks in.

The modules I am taking this semester are:
CS2100 COMPUTER ORGANIZATION
CS2105 INTRODUCTION TO COMPUTER NETWORKS
MA1521 CALCULUS FOR COMPUTING
ES1102 ENGLISH FOR ACADEMIC PURPOSES
GE2228 WEATHER AND CLIMATE

Out of the 5, I think my worse worries will be MA1521.
CS2100 and CS2105 is much of a build up from what I learnt in my previous level of education so hopefully the amount of worry will be less.

As for ES1102, I have been carving out a script in my head and actually typed it down for what I want to say during the first 'Ice-breaking' session in which each student has to self-introduce for 5 minutes.

Self-introduce for 5 minutes; that's gonna be my first time doing so. Every time I think about the script in my head, it makes me really nervous. And I am known to get anxious easily.

The first week has passed, so far so good actually.

All these excitements, I am unsure if its due to myself reading articles about mindfulness or is it the supplements I take or is it the smile I try to wear everyday when I woke up or maybe it's the disconnection from Facebook which actually helped. So many factors and Biochemistry is really just too complicated.

Such methods are really to bring myself back to the days I was in my Polytechnic years, active and willing. The amount of fear which National Service has put in me literally threw me off the edge. For 2 years, those fear has been piling up mentally, equating to unmeasurable amount.

Nevertheless, I wish myself all the best in positivity and mindfulness thinking. With more consciousness as I age, self-help is really necessary.