Misery

Fatigue continues to cling on to me,
my right shoulder+neck continues to be an issue,
I have (some) friends who say they don't know anything but in fact they are knowledgeable,
I ain't academically inclined,
my brain isn't functional.

At least I am truthful.

In my humanities group project I have members who are just too awesome, using English structures and vocabularies which doesn't even draws out from me. That totally blends me out.

Politics class I can't make up of what's going on and the assessment is mainly essays. How am I even going to hit 1000 words?

My main core module, programming, does not seems to be in sync for me. Only understood 1/10. Sit-in-lab and announcing Mid-term tests just has to happen to stir the feeling.

My ears seems to be in conflict with the grey matter and Trance music doesn't calm me down or rather the energy does not even enter my nerves.

I am putting up a strong front, looking all tough on the external, laughing and smiling but obviously this will end up me breaking emotionally much easier and swiftly.

This is just way overly depressing, where one day I might just stay late in campus, sit down in one corner of a stairwell and let it all out.

Praying doesn't seem to enable guidance anymore, the road is just rocky and the weather is much of a typhoon 24/7.

And no I don't write this asking for symphathy.

Obviously, seeking help is much of a disdain since everyone would be busy with themselves. Disheartened writer signing off.

Willingness

Honestly speaking, during my Polytechnic days, I have absolutely no idea how I got through it with such a breeze.

Everything I did during those days were smooth. Projects completed like a month before the actual commencement, 2 to 4 tutorials completed way before the tutorial lesson for that particular topic.

Not sure if it's that powerful mind and will or it's just something, someone is helping out with my past path.

But now, it seems like I have to be in control of everything. Things seems to become a havoc if I don't bother about it and those workload accumulation will become even more. Maybe it's the bad coordination between time and studies itself as I've said time seems to be much faster these days or maybe it's just the time table that I have now or it's my vitality to keep on going.

Well, talking about taking control, it requires WILLPOWER. Without that, one will just give everything up. WILLPOWER requires interest too. With interest comes that urge to learn where it fuels up the will. So how much interest do I have to keep this up? Besides, knowing that one of the module is rather out of my interest.

So how can I fill up an interest of a topic when before I don't even have a pint of it? I've always been reading www.lifehack.org, hoping to find some shortcuts and assist to get the best for myself. It does help but not enough.

I have never taken health in account when it comes to studies and it seems like I can't do the same like before anymore. For example, have 4 hours of sleep instead of 6 or more just before an 8AM class for tomorrow. I used to do that all the time without a single problem. Yup but now, fatigue LITERALLY fills up when I do that. Just like an overclocked CPU where the temperature rises when too much processing power is used and the computer ends up BSOD and crashes.

I really don't know how I can continue this. And being a Capricorn makes all these dreadful event even worse. A personality where there's no rest allowed when things aren't completed.

Oh I have to also add that, my mindset about NUS is that everyone is just way too smart, discussing topics extensively, solving problems like a breeze. It makes me feel like I am the 小物, and making me 小物见大物. I don't know really, I am not in place.

Two pictures below are the worse for my brain to process. More especially the left one.


Study.

It's already Week 2 of Semester 1 and it's coming Week 3 soon enough. It has been 2 weeks since I disrupted (should I even remind myself of that?).

I always feel that time is going faster and faster. Not faster as in personal feel but the way Earth rotates and spins around its axis. Not sure if anyone else thinks the same way as me too.

Anyways, my modules are:

CS1020
MA1301
GEK1002
SSA2209
LSM1301

3 cores, 2 ULRs. 1 Programming, 1 Math, 1 Science, 1 Social Studies and 1 History/Geography.

First 2 weeks was great because there's no labs/tutorials and the only day that is filled with tutorials is on Monday, and well which means I had those days off. We have to ballot for the tutorials and laboratories classes so therefore those assignments starts week 3.

Starting that, it's gonna get hectic. I have to wake up at 4.50AM on Monday, Tuesday and Friday so as to prepare, travel and wait for transferring of bus for my 8AM classes.

Going to classes everyday makes me reminisce my Polytechnic days. However, it is totally incomparable as with the fact that NUS environment IS SO AND WAY TOO DAMN STRESSFUL. I couldn't stand staying back in campus for this very reason.

However, I am torn between choosing of whether to head home or to stay.
If I choose home, it can be done but the feel and urge of staying at home just like my old self during Polytechnic days is gone.
If I choose to stay in campus, I think my mind could go berserk. It's funny how I get adrenaline rush with all those nervous system being pumped and heart beating like a beat box when I reach/am in campus.

None of this happens before... I just don't understand.

Back to basics.. all my programming skills and maths are wiped clean from my grey matter. Of course however, stored deep inside. And to make things worse, I have to do Humanities in which I haven't even touched it for 5 - 6 years. Writing of essays? UGH! Being stuck on one side of the brain makes life real hard.

Well, that triggers my stress way much more.
It seems that I am not really back on track yet. A new body profile called 'School' is still being generated.

Hope it generates quickly before I break down or something...

Socialising

Had this thought suddenly and have to blog it down before it goes away…

Socialising, it has always been something that I fear. Even till now it still is.

There had been a few reasons why I chose not to talk to people or remove myself from conversations most of the time.

1. I realised I have the tendency to make people hate me when I speak too much truth. Or maybe it's just straightforward I'd say. As I believe when I have to speak, I give only information and hardly for the fun and humour.

2. I always feel that there's a quick microseconds of judging when a conversation is going on. It's easy to make enemies than to make friends.

3. I don't see the need of a conversation unless necessary.

These 3 are the reasons I could have thought of in that sudden moment. There's more and I am sure of it.

Bane of An Engineer

As the title says,

I think being an engineer is really much of a pain sometimes.

My iPhone 4 is the best example. I feel that this 2 years old iPhone 4 that I've been holding on to seems to have became my 'engineering project'. On certain weekends, one of the parts seems to break.

Actually, I have been trying to fix the proximity sensor ever since the first knock-off screen replacement, which was $170, after the original cracked. I remember I once changed the screen to a white coloured and the proximity sensor worked fine! But the screen wasn't IPS tech whereby looking at the side would cause the colours to be inverted.

Back to the proximity sensor, parts always broke due to me trying to fix that particular problem, especially the screen.

So now, before this weekend, I had 2 parcels which contains the UV filter for the proximity sensor and also a battery replacement.

I was hoping that after installing the UV filter and then replacing the new battery, the proximity sensor would work and the battery would be good as new.. who knows it turns out this big big problem...

Yes, that's the battery connector. Obviously without that I can't insert my battery and thus the phone would not power on.

The problem isn't really that annoying but I realised that one of the solder pad, which is actually a conductive material has been ripped off together with the battery connector. Now that is annoying. Without that pad, the circuit is broken.

I've had success soldering the other 3 pins (4 pins total), and the phone would power on fine but it wouldn't charge. So if it can't charge, the battery is totally useless, together with the new one I bought.

I read that there is a small circle behind that pad and I could just solder the pin on to that. Problem is my soldering iron's tip diameter is too large! Couldn't fit and there's a high chance to damage other components if I were to force it.

So now, if I really have to restore the battery, I have to buy a smaller tip diameter soldering iron to fix this problem....

Girls…

First of all this post is not directed to all girls. 

----/----

Understanding them are nearly impossible in this current and obviously future era. 

Sure you still get marriage and love. But the responsibility to keep those does not even exist. 

Girls these day, they post hundreds and thousands of photos of self-portraits on Instagram, Facebook, Tagged plus many other social networks and all for what purpose? To receive likes and comments and just that's it. It's fucking obvious that guys who looks through these photos will go 'sexy', 'cute', 'pretty', 'adorable', 'beautiful', etc, then comment exactly as what is on their mind. 

After which the girls starts to get bored, irritated and not to forget those horny guys and then the cycle continues. So all these leads to nothing right?

If a guy with legit intent wants to go after that girl, and the girl thinking it's just another irritating comment, her mind will go like 'fuck off'. Yea, whatever. 

Girls, why appear yourself on social network when you have no purpose at all? If attention seeking and those good feeling of 'likes' are what you want, you are better off doing chores at home. 

Thank you.

Too much on my mind

Yea well, as the title mentions, there's just too much on my mind. 

I am always thinking:

•Why am I so strange?

•Why do I have difficulty in breathing at random times?

•Why does my thought of worry goes on and on for hours without stop, causing insomnia on me?

•Why do I stay away from the opposite gender all the time and the only time I am drawn is due to my hormones?

I just don't understand. わかりません。

Did I choose to be different or was I chosen to be different?

I seem to look at things at a totally different perspective. People sees trend as something to follow, I see trend as a flaw for humans. 

Of course, businesses makes use of trend to earn $, that's why in Singapore, trend is something you won't miss. 

To me, it makes the typical people not unique. Sure, there are some who doesn't follow them and that's pretty much 1 - 2% only?

Maybe love is a trend too, that's why I ain't in love. Lol. 

When it comes to entertainments, I only listen to Trance, maybe some Classical and Soundtracks and I am like, who in this country would listen to such genres really?

It makes me wonder, if people who likes a movie is due to what reasons? For me, it's the acting, the BGM, and the emotions. 

I don't know, I am just a freak possibly. Or I am just raised entirely different from everyone else.