Tuesday, December 17, 2013

My Thoughts on Technology, Internet and Social Media

Once a man wielding a spear, goes hunting for food and heads back with the dinner into the cave for the family.

Those were the days I guess. Now? Technology and Internet. It's all smart devices sticking to our face, with people heading to work where some stick their face, again, to computers and when to be non-productive, smartphones or social network will replace the computers.

I would admit I myself is a victim. Every time it happens, and for I who normally sees the bigger picture of most things, would see and think about the problems and issues that technology has given man.

Of course, when used correctly, it isn't so much of a problem. But the fact that technology has been misused by majority creates the controversy.

Social media is the source for people to use Internet. However, too much of it feeds us all the wrong information. The main purpose of social media was to actually 'connect' people from all over the world but instead because of marketing and business behind it, the main purpose has been boxed up. Creating the fame and spotlight to let people use it more often creates the revenue of that company. That's where people behind these will wear a smile to their faces. Yes, it's always about money.

As more people are 'connected', social media creates syndromes where people starts to become addicted to 'likes' because that portrays how humans are hungry for fame, or how one is trying to let oneself 'known' to the rest of the world. But little do they know that all these 'fame' or 'connectedness' are short lived. That's how our brain process it - instant gratification, feel good one minute, gone the next. And also the same for 'know' that one minute, forget it the next.

Humans are never made to multitask. Ladies (no gender discrimination here) always tell, yes tell themselves they can multitask and obviously that is because they heard it from someone else and being easily influenced by nature, simply believes it. So here's what they do on the street - opens up a video, watch it and walk. Watching and walking, that's multitask. So then they disregard all that's around them, including danger. So much I seen that all these people just cross a zebra crossing or traffic junction or walking anywhere (no danger, but looks really like an ass or retard) with their eyes planted to the phones. Well for sure if it's not a video, then it's the instant messaging that they care about. Oh certainly, not just ladies but men does that too only less I've seen. It's people like these that just makes me wish the world could perish.

Then there's those dating website or network. By nature, men are the hunter/predator and women are the prey. They uses these network and so the women, who obviously are wired to always make themselves looks pretty or always go for the best in looks will then post their 'pretty' faces. The men, being hungry and 'anonymous' will post all sorts of flirty and dirty stuff to get the girl, till the point where women have way higher defensive stance than they should have. One word for the result - imbalance.

Oh back to more specific technology, sometimes I wonder people kept using their phones is it because of the purpose of connecting and to send messages or is it because of psychological problem? I would say it's more of the latter and little of the former. You see, what did we use on our devices these days? Touch, yes touch. Humans crave for these warmth and the so called connection. If there isn't someone close around to feel that 'warmth' or 'connection', our touch devices will take in place of it. It's constant, it's in our hands to control that feeling and that's why even in a group, people could still end up using their devices. Basically saying 'touching the device makes us feels connected.' Such virtual feeling. I could see many people, sometimes myself, wake the device, does some swiping of the home screen on the device for the sake of swiping then press the power button.

Really, sometimes I wish I could send out a message to the whole world about what they are doing but I believe that's impossible and it's delusional for which obviously almost everyone, by now, has been influenced by the 'YOLO', 'be yourself' kind of mindset.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Fly away with time, for it's not infinite but limited

Again and again I am complaining about this -> "time flies", it literally does. Ever since I disrupted from National Service, I felt that everything seems invalid and has no value. That value of new objects which exists in our hands seems to fade away in a day compared to the past where such value fades in a week.

I don't know what's going on. My first Final Examination module starts this Friday and it's gonna be hell, literally burning hot. That sensation of blanking out is so strong and the amount of knowledge and understanding acquired seems insufficient for the examinations.

Unlike before during my Polytechnic years, I complained a lot on my archived blog but with that I still managed to get the results I wanted. Not this time it seems, it doesn't seem to work that way anymore. My brain has literally shut down, neither alive nor vibrant.

Having disorders seems to describe me at best. Attention Deficit Disorder is one of it as to the symptoms I possess seems to match the description. It took me a fine 1 week to actually finish off the revision of one module, how is this possible?! My mind shifts so quickly that I am not even sure I have absorbed anything at all while doing the task of revision.

Negativity just plagues me, to the point even if I seek professional help it might not work at all. Well, I guess I am prepared to retake one of my core modules. Most of my friends didn't believed me but it seems that it is that way with the current results that I am getting. I don't see much hope for this module's examination as there's just way too much to keep up and understand which there's just "not enough time" for that? Coupled with my rapid shifting brain, I guess it just won't work out.

What is my ideal life? I always thought I was some computer guy or geek or nerd, but it seems that such interest which I have cultured since the age of 3 or 4 starts fading away, quickly too. I've chosen this path of computer due to interest but I think I not even sure what I am actually good at, at all. I envy those who have found the path which they can really put their heart and soul into as I think I still have a long way to go.

Maybe I'll just import and sell goods to earn some small and quick income for living.

Monday, November 4, 2013

All in Vain


Alright, that was merely some HTML5 play-around. But that mood meter actually reflects what I am feeling as of today.

Of course, I am known to be always negative but I do have my positive moods at times. It's just really short lived most of the time.

3 weeks more to Semester 1 examinations. Nothing scares me more than having no knowledge or ideas and understandings during examinations.

Sure, modules like Mathematics shouldn't be much of an issue for me but what about the rest? 4 of which, 2 are MCQ based (Biology and Introduction to Japanese Studies) , one essay (Government and Politics of Singapore) and another purely theory and logic (Data Structures and Algorithms) , with applications from understanding of the theories.

MCQs may sound easy but I have neither faith nor confidence in being able to actually answer the questions that are gonna be given. Sure, we have reading weeks and it ought to help to keep up. But I realised that University is really all about critical thinking skills and also problem solving based. All which I don't feel that I am tuned to do so.

Best example is during my group meetings for Introduction to Japanese Studies project essay assignment. Being an introvert, groupworks are ALWAYS tough for me. I can't really speak up, I can only listen and absorb. Once I do that, it feels like I am not contributing and also it may generate gossips throughout like I am not doing anything. Seriously, what am I supposed to do about that?

Data Structures and Algorithms, all about programming and problem solving. Critical thinking is really a necessity here. Coding wise I have no problem with implementing but problem solving? Bad idea... Algorithms really sucks.

Today is the Practical Exam and I have been doing the practices since last Monday. Even though I managed to complete them but it doesn't seem like I am even prepared for it. Like I said it's that thinking skill that matters which I lack thereof...

And obviously for essay writings, one really needs to read and gather all the available knowledge and information for a specific topic. Reading, a word that I was never used to since my secondary school days.

University have really made me uncover my true, real self. What I am good at and what I am not, all of which are revealed in this 3 months.

Sometimes I am not sure how I should even continue with this and really I have actually hoped that I did not even achieved good grades during my Polytechnic years.

I am unable to even achieve neither academically nor human relations here. Seeking help and assistance are last of my resort, where I don't feel like anyone's willing to help at all (an introvert style of thinking once again). All I could do is self-contain, put myself into self-thoughts. Basically it's just self-centered. I don't know what to do, don't know how and what to achieve here. Seems like I am just wasting time.

Withdrawing from University may probably be the next step as I really don't think that it is for me, at all.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Direction

How does it feel when one is lost in the direction of life?

I was walking on a really straight road until I came across a dead end, or a mountain without tunnels. The only path left was to head back but obviously, why would I?

Looking at my friends, one quitted University, knowing that he has another path to take.
Others, have business opportunities and maybe connections to go further. There's nothing much for them to worry to succeed in life.

While me? I have NONE, NOTHING!
This is the only path I can take which is just studies. My road isn't split into 2 or more paths at one point of the time, not at all.

Without it, my life is empty, just a walking shell without any capabilities. Sure, it sounds like I am looking down on myself but why would I say this if it isn't the fact?

Anyway why do I say I have came to a dead end?
Well, apart from Mathematics, anything that I've done so far where I tried to my duly best seems to result in nothing, no improvements at all. Maybe I am comparing too much, maybe I am thinking too much or maybe I am unwilling I am not sure. But all I am feeling now is there's no hope.
If that little glimmer of hope is not even present, how am I suppose to believe?

Friends kept telling me to move on, but is it really possible even at this point where everything is on the edge? I don't really see the passing grade for most of my modules right now. All I see is blank, plain blanks especially if I were to be sitting in the examination hall, soon again. And that obviously leads to even nearer to the edge (Goodness, how small can an edge be?).

It isn't my academics that is stuck. I think even my social connection isn't any better as well.
I don't see how I am useful to people around me - such belief always make me avoid people, with the thoughts and maybe expressing a masked face that says "Hey, I have nothing to guide or help you, please just avoid me." Hmm, sounds really sad right but yeah, actually this shitty thought has always been in me since long ago, partly came about from my childhood life. Of course, I wouldn't stop anyone if they want to come into my life for I know they will eventually stop contacting me at some point of time. It's my self proven experience, came packaged with my life.

More to say, it's like a turtle which came out of its shell to look at the world but ended up shrivelling back after encountering something foreign.

Sometimes I just wish to help, but that feeling of being incapable makes it somewhat impossible.
Sometimes I just want to know more people, but with a cynical view of people and materialism and what not, I don't really want to do it.

It's virtually impossible for me to make new friends on the street or anywhere else in this country (especially). One don't simply find a kind soul that easily. Most have dubious intentions.

Sigh...
How can I even find that direction back? How can I break away from beliefs that seems to be stopping me? How can I gain interest in things that I don't even like in the first place?

Too many how(s), just too many.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

긋닥터 K-Drama

One of my friend introduced this K-Drama to me by telling me that's this actress who looked a bit like Kim Tae Hee.

I was intrigued.

So I went to search for its wiki, and also downloaded the drama.
Best thing is that the soft-subs were quick and available.

so,

굿닥터 (Good Doctor)
 
 
It has been months since I watched the last K-Drama IRIS 2.
Refreshing to watch something new again.
 
The show revolves around a kid who has Autism and Savant Syndrome, who wants to be a surgeon once he gets older. Indeed he did with the help of a doctor who known him since young.
 
My review on it:
The drama has a lot a lot of predictable scenes and there are many events that happened literally and obviously made as a coincidence.
Normally, such a script would turn off the viewers but not in this drama's case.
 
There are just too many touching and emotional scenes, TOO MANY! From the care of the children as patients to memories flashback of the main actor's past. +++ ....
 
What I liked about the romance side is there's not so much into it and that way it feels fresh and innocent because my thoughts at first was like "how would someone with autism be able to love wholeheartedly?"
 
Furthermore, from this drama, I can sense and feel how being humane would be like. Something that the society has rid it off, thanks to money (and obviously Singapore is one)..
 
Well, the characters wise I liked all of them and 문채원 just looks like Kim Tae Hee (forgot how to type her name in Korean already.)
 
Pretty.. 예쁜다!
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The drama ended today though, with sweet moments. Unlike other K-Drama I've watched, they are so agonizing.

Friday, September 27, 2013

What am I? Am I just lost?

I feel.. really hopeless, useless, pointless, ineffective.
(Having a really really negative mindset at the point of writing.)

I don't know what am I anymore.
A friend of mine told me on Whatsapp, "You are a good friend."

To be honest, I have never felt that way towards anyone.
I feel like a lousy friend - sure I may seem like I care, sure I could help.
But I don't know, my heart doesn't feel that way.

Every time someone wants accompany, I could accompany but in actual fact my heart says otherwise. It tells me to be alone.

It doesn't seem like I have helped anyone to a great extent lately or in the past.

I skip meals, thinking that:
mental > food,
food is a waste of time,
and it's like that ever since.

Another friend asked me to define 'talent'.
I told him "Talent is the ability to complete a specific task without much effort and with effort it will go soaring."

Is it not right?

If so, I don't seem to possess that at all where I thought before I was good in programming.

I can't even do simple programming now, so do I really have talent?

Now I am stuck in this last 4 questions of Mathematics Homework Assignment.
I was so eager to complete them all and getting stuck for 4 hours is just unacceptable.
Therefore, I cried inside (which I always do) with all the emotions bewildering me.

Comes to the question of what am I good at, at all?

Maybe, I am so good in negativity that people don't really look up to me.
I suck at human relations, I suck at academics, really just what am I?

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Misery

Fatigue continues to cling on to me,
my right shoulder+neck continues to be an issue,
I have (some) friends who say they don't know anything but in fact they are knowledgeable,
I ain't academically inclined,
my brain isn't functional.

At least I am truthful.

In my humanities group project I have members who are just too awesome, using English structures and vocabularies which doesn't even draws out from me. That totally blends me out.

Politics class I can't make up of what's going on and the assessment is mainly essays. How am I even going to hit 1000 words?

My main core module, programming, does not seems to be in sync for me. Only understood 1/10. Sit-in-lab and announcing Mid-term tests just has to happen to stir the feeling.

My ears seems to be in conflict with the grey matter and Trance music doesn't calm me down or rather the energy does not even enter my nerves.

I am putting up a strong front, looking all tough on the external, laughing and smiling but obviously this will end up me breaking emotionally much easier and swiftly.

This is just way overly depressing, where one day I might just stay late in campus, sit down in one corner of a stairwell and let it all out.

Praying doesn't seem to enable guidance anymore, the road is just rocky and the weather is much of a typhoon 24/7.

And no I don't write this asking for symphathy.

Obviously, seeking help is much of a disdain since everyone would be busy with themselves. Disheartened writer signing off.