Allow Me To Rant

"What went wrong with myself?" I thought.
I know I had depression, I solved it by reading books.
I know I have anxiety, I reduced it by taking supplements and practicing mindfulness.
I know I had memory problems, I tried to improve it through mind games, as well as supplements also.
I put all my time into sleep, work and eat.
I even stopped playing games for that matter.
I became sociable and more outgoing.

But of all these, nothing seems to have helped me in my thinking process or helped me gain any improvements in personal development. What happened? Brain dead? Am I thinking way too much as usual? Or is this some fate I have to believe?

I have to rant, thanks to all the trigger from the results of my mid-terms.
3 tests, 2 of it are are 25th percentile.
I shouldn't need to care.
But the hope for an A, for every semester is really mind draining at times.
This is the result of a psychological episode. All those stupid thoughts just come back.

Got back the CS2107 mid-term quiz paper today, and I got 18/30. Everyone else in my tutorial group got more than 20 and even near full marks. What's better is that the average and median is more than 25. Ha-Ha-Ha, what a joke and embarrassment of myself.

The first question when I looked it and immediately thought 'WHY THE F*** AM I MAKING THIS STUPID MISTAKE AGAIN?!' well yea, the mistake of not seeing the question properly/carefully, and basically answering the 'wrong question' of sort.

3 weeks left. Many projects to settle, many coding to complete, many shitload of crap to tackle. Wish I could just run away from it but I've had enough of that. Facing it is not helping either actually.

My only wish is I could get rid of this 'A' grade hope and I have been trying since Year 1 Semester 2. Seems like it's still stuck in me. Time I hope will get rid of it. Or else I will broke down mentally and maybe it's depression all over again.

Thank you blog.

The Ups and Downs

The packed schedule, filled with assignments and mid-terms had caused me to bring a pause to my blogging.

But yesterday, on the 11 Oct, Saturday, was my last paper for mid-term tests.

On the 4th of October last Saturday, it was my sister's wedding day.
Together on that day, it was my first mid-term paper on CS2105 COMPUTER NETWORKING.

The paper was totally doable, and it weighs 20%.
I have no complaints.
I left the hall with a light shoulder and a smile.
Then I drove to my sis's wedding dinner and had a happy occasion.
The day was fabulous.

Following week, on Wednesday, is my second mid-term paper on MA1521 CALCULUS FOR COMPUTING.
It was alright. I didn't manage to do some questions.
And I had some doubts on questions which I knew.
Unsure of how well will I fare for this paper.
The paper weighs 30%.

After the paper I went to begin on completing my CS2105 Programming Assignment 2.
I was proud of myself for being able to complete it within 2 days all by myself.
It was the best achievement yet again.

And so, yesterday was the last paper on CS2100 COMPUTER ORGANISATION.
I was expecting the paper to be slightly similar to the past 2 years.
But I was wrong.
The paper was a mess for me.
What's worse was I was rushing to the venue as I was almost late.
Leaving me no breathing space before the start of paper.

I was really relaxed before the paper and went in with cool vibe.
But I didn't settle down.

I wasn't able to do most of the questions.
Some were fairly simple and straightforward.
And then after the test, I went to check a few questions.
This is where I realised I made 2 CARELESS MISTAKES which costs me 7 marks.

Then the following night, an answer sheet to the paper was released.
SO MANY ANSWERS WERE WRONG.
SECTION A MCQs KILLED ME!
With the answer sheet, there was another careless mistake being realised.

I counted the marks which I obtained. 21/60. Great, just great.
With the paper weighing 40%, this is the worse.

20% - no problem
30% - slight doubts
40% - DEAD PAPER

IT JUST HAD TO BE THE 40% PAPER. 40%..!!!!!!!!!!

Are you kidding me?
Why does my life filled with all these shit?
Why can't it go all smoothly?
Why must I learn so much from these mistakes?
My childhood was shitty and I have to receive more of such treatment when I am able?
 
What I've posted on Facebook:

So much effort put in on studies, life and relationship but all in vain.
A smile doesn't mean anything anymore.
Confidence doesn't build shit.
Reading to improve on life feels like a setback.
Is this fate of failure? On a sensitive person? Such distraught situation really.

I am always looking to improve my life.
Mindfulness, quotes, blog posts, psychology yes.
But really, it doesn't seem to help at all.. it feels... stuck.

As I said, so much effort put into studies, life and relationship.
I went all out doing all tutorials and made sure I knew them well.
But what I get was a paper which I couldn't do.
Should I beat myself for that?
Should I let it go?
I am overly sensitive, and letting it go is the toughest process.

Furthermore, I tried to get to know a girl, but ended up getting blocked on a communication platform.
Such a huge hint.
Such failure.
Such mistake.

I am all out of ideas.
Makes me wonder if life is a joke for me.

Rejection

This is a new acceptance.
This is a new way to apply mindfulness.
For this, for my first rejection upon an offer.

I wasn't stunned, I was sure.
I wasn't sad, but I was indeed happy to know this could happen.

From a depressed state to a confident state, that's what I could achieve.
From worrying thoughts to in-the-moment thoughts create life.

I couldn't project my care upon someone I like.
But there are many more waving trees in the forest.
I just gotta make sure I put mindfulness and confidence outside of every sets and subsets in life.
Earth is round, so is a Venn Diagram / Set.
Placing the key concept in life outside of it, is the sure way to go.

Keep living, keep it simple.

A Reflective Experience

Last Thursday was the second practical of GE2228 .
I went into Earth Lab, sat behind because somehow I still feel alone.

Then I went to retrieve my marked report of the first practical.
We did well, but others were better.

Didn't really looked for my group mates yet until my Prof started addressing the class.

I looked around quite frantically. But just couldn't find anyone.
So I wrote message into the WhatsApp group that we have.
And I got a reply that one of my group mate was in front.
Honestly I couldn't see her at all...

So after Prof finished addressing the class, I moved up front to her, realising that there are no instruments which we are required to use for this particular practical. Sigh.

Then it started. I can feel it.
The girl who I moved up to, she.. was totally filled with anxiety.
She was as confused as I was with the practical initially.

Then I checked around for my other group mate, she went to the back with her friends, and that leaves us two. Because another one was down with illness, didn't attend the practical.

We had to join up with other groups with new people.
Then her anxiety continues all the way through the 1½ hours.
All of which are questions about the lab.
She was also comparing our first report with other groups' and I think that worsened her anxiety.

Oh my... I tried to calm her down but to no avail.
I almost lost focus but managed to pick up some pace.

Finally, we were able to retrieve some data of the environment with some confusion of what's really going on, for me at least...
I didn't even use the instruments because it was limited in numbers (as usual) and all I did was recording data.

But really, I couldn't blame her.
I know exactly what was running through in her train of thoughts.
She reminded me of my past self, or myself 2 semesters ago to be precise.
At the same time I felt sad for her, because I feel we have all these issues due to the demanding society.

Such psychology effects are built up over a long period of time and it's really not that simple to rid of them all at once overnight.

She's probably a perfectionist, just like me.
People who speaks of the bell curve, generally well are.

Still, she expresses her anxiety, where in my case I hid and ran away from all of it.
It puts me in a situation which I really want to help her, now that I feel reformed.

Well.... what could I start with?

Endless Fight

The weeks are going fast.
Tutorials are uploaded mindlessly and the difficulty increases every week.
It feels like a ranking system or leveling in a game.
Some assignment looks easy, but they are really intimidating.

I am always on the mindful path, but sometimes my senses just float away without awareness.
I still judge, but lesser each day till the fact that taking a 45 minute transport is a real breeze.
I try to make eye contact to anyone I see, increasing my confident level.

My senses, they are strong. They have to be made use of by being aware.
Trance music becomes seriously uplifting and it lived up to its name, when I listen to it mindfully.
With awareness, focusing and completing tasks become a cakewalk.

I have to keep this level of positivity in check.
I am all about wisdom, knowledge and mindfulness now.

I will continue to harvest more.
However, the word 'more' is a pitfall. Too much and one may not feel so good anymore.
Keeping the balance in life is always the important factor.

Mindfulness: keep REAL calm, and keep going.

Yet another week down

Week 3 was rather tough.

A little fatigue started kicking in but I managed to counter it.
My thoughts went wild once again and had half-success in stopping it.

The things I see everyday plagues my mind.
The main reason being that I see everyone heads down on their phone every time.
Also I see people unable to pay attention to their food they eat.
They had to simultaneously eat and reply messages at the same time.
All the taste is lost, don't you think?

Today is Friday. After classes, I went down to Plaza Singapura to catch Lucy by myself.
I've heard negative comments about this movie.
However, it doesn't stop me from watching it.

Well, one reason being that Scarlett Johansson is the lead.
She's my favourite actress this time around.
After reading some of her interview questions on IMDB, I concluded that she's a strong willed person.
She is someone who I am envious of.

Secondly, the movie is about cerebral stuff and that means BIOLOGY!
Man, my interest is biology is so great! And the starting scene showed MITOSIS!
100% Cerebral function - that has got to do with evolution.

These two reasons are enough for me to catch the movie no matter what comments I've heard.

Sure enough, I've enjoyed it. Thanks to Luc Besson!
Oh, there was another scene where Lucy (Scarlett Johansson) was rewinding and fast forwarding time!
I knew that 100% has to do with our cells BENDING TIME!
Love those Physics theories applied in this film.

After watching Lucy, I headed to times bookstore and read this book titled "Mindfulness on the Go".

It really expanded my views.
With it, I finally understood our parents' traditional views on table etiquette.
With it, I also finally understood Nike's slogan "Just Do It".

Finally, this is one achievement that I've LONGED to attain.
Communicating with girls.
In just 2 days, I was able to speak with girls without a problem.
It happened so naturally, like a simple every day task.
I really don't know how I managed it but it just happened.
Partly have to thank the group work which some modules gave us.
And also my courage to speak up when a girl sat beside me.

During the last 2 semesters, I always had the fear of speaking the first word to a girl.
Now that I know I am capable, I have to stay this way.

So, zenhabits was all about mindfulness. I have to keep practicing it.

Breathe.

Yes, that one word is everything to mindfulness.
This moment, now, is everything.

Assignments

 

That's right, I did all my tutorials ahead of time.
It is a long lost achievement.

I hope I can continue tackling the fear of not-knowing-how-to-do.